Sorry
Written @ 1:29 AM
13/2/2012-Monday
I promised myself at least did something for my assignment but ended up with a bowl of tear. I cry till i numb. BIG girls don't cry but just treat I'm still a little girl now. I'm turning into adults already so I can simply take all these as small tiny problem. But as for me, I can die for it. Seriously, love is not kind of thing that you can simply play with. 唔好玩火!
Just read something..At least I knew what's I'm in your mind.Those night you told me in car, what i had told you is not about I'm so fake. I'm exactly standing the position like..ya, of course I'm not as deep as you. But i knew what's going on. If this person willing to give everything to you then he wouldn't give a second chance to others. Others may don't care, but what I told you..a hint? Imagine i told you everything, then what about him? Don't you care? I absolutely wrong in this situation but what else? Even I knew forgiven is here but of course deep down everything will not remain as previous. But at least a friend!? Sorry girl. I'm not a good friend to you. But not giving up this word..Leaving may heal your wound. So very soon. One thing you should know, you're very lucky girl coz you have lot of concern friend to you. I doesn't have this chance so often. People usually come and go. I'm not comparing but you look back, you actually earn a lot of good opportunity. I'm actually think of quiting from your life. Coz seriously, I'm like the one who ruin your life. All the people around you may hatred me so much but I hardly to do so. You're like my sister. But at least a friend for now..I'm ok. As long as you feel comfortable with them. Then I know what to do
P/S: Not a fake post to you ok. LOL.. It's like we bring it out and talk about already so no point to tell lies again. IDK why I have such feeling is now I tell you about something, I may think that you will have a strong feeling I'm telling lies. Maybe still have things that we may not voice it out. But counted as lies as well?
By the way, saw some pictures through facebook..girls keep posting roses now..so beautiful :)
Like or Love
Written @ 11:02 PM
12/2/2012-Sunday
Holla my bloggie, it's Sunday and today was a pretty boring day. So lifeless driving a car to no where. The parent seriously turning me upside down. Daddy mumble to me about her yet mummy drag me to be her listener. I understand that they need a listener so badly but why at this moment? They used to hide from my brothers just because they doesn't want to give them pressure. So, what about me? For your information, my parent's voice is like...
LION KING AND TIGER WOMAN ROARING IN THE JUNGLE! I'm real in bad mood today..feels like finding someone to accompany but ended up, i gave up this thought. I know i shouldn't find him so all I do is just control myself not to text him nor call him.
After giving mummy a ride to office, I drove alone to somewhere else..just don't know where to go, what to do. I stopped at a road side, looking upon the sky, listen to radio songs. Apparently, memang a silly girl!I think i have weird habit like ..love to stay inside the car. Passerby often stared on me and i was like..NOT YOUR BUSINESS PLEASE! I'm pretty sure everyone needs a little space for sometime. And as for me, I did the same thing too. I can stay alone inside the car for 2 hours!? Shopping alone for whole day? But one thing, I hate to eat alone :( What else?? I HATE TO STAY ALONE at home too ..sigh! I don't know how to deal with family issues like please oh please, I hope no more argument after this. Daddy and mummy really can threw off whatever shit and crap to each other like.." You go die!" I was like..Gosh, you two had gone through so much and pay freaking lot of effort to build up this family. Why scold like that? I even cried inside the car and questioning myself..why am I such a failure? I can't handle everything all at a time.
Until night, I had dinner with mummy. Just both of us..I never voice out a single word. I knew she was very upset about daddy. I started to wonder we teenager love to gather with friends, yum cha everyday, club, drink or whatever. We used to be so close and share our thoughts to friend but how come not family? All of sudden, I feel so sorry to my parent. I strongly believe that they would like to know what is my life is going about but what? They wouldn't accept the fact we young adults been so over..stay up late every night, play eat sleep all day! That's how we act when we are young right? I bet when I have my children and husband, I wish we could share out and have talk for once in a while. There comes heavy rain, how I wish I can run to outside and let the rain over me!
I cannot deny that his tweet have the ability to affect my mood. Like vs love..how do you think? I have so much of thought after I saw his tweet and....I know myself well, if I spend all my time against this person, I'm sure my love towards him will goes deep down. So since he move backward, what should I do at this point? I'm so lost! Telling myself not to go ahead on you anymore because if we attach again, lotsa of problem will pops out. Eventually, we ended up with tears, sorrow, argument and pain. So I think why me? I'm just a girl who need a guy who can protect and love me no matter what. Why I'm not allow to have this chance? Now I saw every where, people, facebook, twitter are talking about Valentine..Sadly, I gonna spend my 21st Valentine alone again! sigh =(
iamcrying theheartisbleeding
Written @ 1:58 AM
12/12/2012- SundayI have urge to post all in sudden. It's been 6 months since i blog about my life and so on. Blog has been a super private place for me to express my feeling and thoughts whenever i facing difficulties. Seriously, I'm so fucking wrong this time. Absolutely a difficult task appearing and i can't believe that the heart broke for once again! When I first met you, I honestly didn't know you're so important to me. But of course, she's more into you and she appreciated you very much. Am I the one who broke everything? I broke the friendship between you and me? I met you since January 2010..day by day pass, we are like sister to each other but WHY? WHY? AM I THE WRONG ONE? Like sorry? Please understand me and I knew i did so much wrong decision and causing you lose trust on me. But for so long, I had been care for too much. I knew everything is too late. I have a very strong sense that one day, everything will gone without a goodbye. This is most painful ever in human life. Okay, just treat I am the wrong and it's time to pay back everything again. I wonder how much do I have to pay for this time? Admitting sorry like a dog doesn't mean I'm scare. I'm wrong, I know but not necessary every part. Anyhow, just come to me for one shot. It's killing..
Not dare to post any single thing on twitter, facebook or instagram. Not dare to tell my problem to anyone, or what. I wanted to but who else gonna be there for me? I don't wanna cause any argument anymore so i shall digest every little thing slowly. Because I did something wrong and i lose a friend like you. I'm sorry. But seriously, I'm deep deep down broken. The heart is bleeding like nobody business. Blaming myself for why will fall in love with a person that I knew is impossible?? Now I look back in previous month, i seriously missing this person so much. Had a supper steamboat with the family. Brothers and everyone looking good and joyful. Brother turn on tv, a concert show...when comes to Andy Hui sang 唯独你是不可取代. I look through the messages that he sent to me. Tears drop for a few and I quickly wipe it away. Ran to outside of the gate door. Three of my brothers saw but they remained silence. I wanted to cry out loud..wanted to hug the brother and cry as loud as I want. Yelling like a little girl wishing that someone could turn back to me.
What you had told me in previous? Don't you remember? You sang "Last Christmas" to me..you sent me the music video to me,you gave me an add math equation ended with a love, you said you will sayang me no matter what, you said you had gave the best to me and it's time to stop. Don't end up all these with your tears.......a lot ..a lot..a lot more. I cry like I wanna die now! I never know myself will fall on a person again. Please dig out my heart. PLEASE, PLEASE, I BEG YOU GOD! My heart totally broke into pieces pieces again again and again! Let me be a heartless girl. I am so afraid of attaching again. People often come to me..gave me a lesson and that's it. I wanna be a cactus..a cactus that forever people will not come near to me. I really don't know how much time I need now..Assignments, examination and practicum is around the corner. I caused so much problems and making you girls hatred me to much. Maybe I really deserve so I shall settle all these problems by my own. Do you think i can defeat all these in one time?
I want to change. Change back to my normal life as previous. B seriously gave me a big impact. You turned me upside down and now my life is like drinking, smoking, slacking, rotting, partying like there's no tomorrow. HOW GRUESOME LIFE IS THIS? All because you hurt me so fucking much in Zouk Club. I will never forget that night. You drew me a lot of dirty path and i hatred it so much! Ended, I hurt my best girl friend..now I got my pay already. I shall be alone and fight for all these. Before that, can i surrender? Crying while blogging is not a good way to express myself because i can don't know posting what shit thing on here. Cry ...cry until I feel tired then I go to bed. Repeat this for every night so i really seriously honestly feel so scare that the night arrive. People sleeping so soundly then I was like..thinking, missing, crying, dying. I know it's not me who suffering. But what? You guys can still contact, chat, expressing in twitter but ..I really afraid to do so. I'm just like a gutless bitch. Afraid of this and that..What will be the next day? Is there something gonna happen again?
ymi
Written @ 10:10 PM
25/8/2011- Wednesday
Too much to say but words can't describe my feeling. Like seriously, i feel so numb! Been crying for god-damn-many times! I'm gonna dehydrate soon! Not joking can? Now my eyes hardly open and must lower the brightness of my laptop due to my blur eyes =(
Beginning will be very suffer i know, I'm so ready to face all these problem but you know? I'm just a girl. Being a youngest daughter and need to suck up all of the housework, family issues for every single day. 20 years old is not enough mature right?
我知道逃不过也避不开!昨天吃饭的时候突然哭了。在戏院里哭,回到家在房间哭,今天看着天空哭,冲凉的时候哭,一个人驾车的时候哭而且是下雨天,我的心情特别灰。刚刚听歌时哭。我很累,真的很累!哭,我没关系。但心里的伤很痛很痛。就象有把刀刺着我的心。我很害怕。爱情,你到底是什么东东?是否我错吗?错在爱上一个不可能的人。为什么每次都是我?如果天要立刻拿走我身上的某一样东西,请你拿走我的心。疲倦了。你想要怎样就怎样,反正我也习惯被冷落的感觉。一个人被推开。站在一个角落。放心,我不会翻你也会继续的装开心。只有这样,我身边的朋友就不会知道. 太傻了?在傻的事情,我也做过。每一晚都睡得不好,生不如死!
最近爱上看台湾戏“醉后决定爱上你”!超级好看!被丢下是很难受。他们的每一句话说得对!
你活得开心就好。祝福你!
Are you?
Written @ 9:47 AM
23/8/2011- Tuesday
It's a gloomy day i think becoz i was frightened by lightning not long ago. Shivering all over. Mind was so blank yet have to up for assignment. I really don't know how can i deal with all these..for how long it takes? Mentally reminding myself not to think, not to care and just leave it like that. I know it will takes me a very very long period of time to heal. All that I can do is pretend as nothing happen, smile to everyone. Seriously, i could show my smile to you guys coz i don't know what to tell and say. So people assumed you're alright then.."It's fine la". I'm so abnormal weih! Twitter and facebook is too public for me right now. Whenever i wanna posted something, i will think twice and carefully make sure that my words will not harsh to others, emo tweet kept to myself! Here is the best place for me blurted out everything.
Sad, i mean yes! Cry? That's enough..I need security and many many! Greedy,not? I never never tend to ask for more. Not even dare to request upon. Silly girl, go back to your assignment. Take a deep breathe before i open my door room. Bcoz i still have to great my family morning!
"Goodbye"
Love yourself first
Written @ 11:44 AM
18/8/2011- Thursday
Don't you think he's such a cutie?? Obviously la right? I was actually in shit mood in this morning due to some reason but after a while, i think I shouldn't being like this anymore. It's worthless and i don't deserve all these. How wonderful if someone could be with me and help me sort out all of my problems? Could be my assignments! :D I need helper seriously. I have no more motivation to work on it. Whyyyyyy?
Just feels comfortable when someone treat me nice and telling me endless of lame jokes. *smackhead* We are friends like bro and sis and I'm just his listener (:
Restless
Written @ 11:40 PM
16/8/2011- Tuesday
Well oh well, I'm home alone tonight. Parent and bro up to hill. Underage is like that, can't get in to casino which is sad case. But anyway,i rather spend time to chill or drink with friend instead of gamble. I'm so freaking restless. Someone please gimme a good massage and i need more than 10 hours of slumbering can? Things are getting annoy. Since you decided everything,i shall respect your decision! Happy is more than enough right? Of course, feeling heartache when i saw what you wrote to me. What can I say? Maybe this is the best way to protect yourself. Now you're the one who getting far far apart from me and I have no idea how to convince you anymore. Stay happy then.
As for me, I want to start a new life too! I know ain't easy but what? Life goes on. Nobody gonna help you out accept yourself. Alone might be the best of best choice perhaps. Sounds so boring eh? sigh..no choice no choice! Now i feel so awkward and gruesome on assignments! Fcuking torturing =( At the same time, i do think of working as a part time teacher! I meant it but heyy, exam is coming soon. I gotta start my revision right after I hand in my last 2 assignments! Should I or shouldn't I?
The fact is.....I'm still very sad! Can I have a short vacation? A place that will only bring happiness to me :)